Setting boundaries

This topic came up recently in a singing lesson with a student.

What does it actually mean?

I remember that I couldn't do it at all about 10 years ago; I didn't even know such a thing existed.

We are brought up to always say hello in a nice and friendly way, to say please and thank you, to always be polite and not harsh. No matter whether we find our uncle unpleasant – or the butcher or the postman. In the past, as today, it seems to be okay for strangers to stroke your head or pinch your cheek to show their appreciation or affection. Whether we like it or not. In the past, we would have wanted our parents to intervene, but today we have to do it ourselves.

But is that so easy when you've lived all these years in social conformity?

If I feel that someone is being intrusive, either by saying something provocative or inappropriate, standing too close to me in a conversation so that I feel they are invading my space, or looking at me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, then I have the option of walking away, saying, 'Could you please stand a little further away, that's too close for me' or even ask, 'Why are you looking at me like that?

But do we really do that? And if so, with how much determination and authority, so that the other person stops?

I always found it very difficult to say no to others or to point out to them that they had just done something that irritated or hurt me. I didn't want them to feel ashamed, even though they were the ones who should have felt ashamed, not me. Especially when they were family members and people very close to me. I was afraid of the other person's reaction, of the intensity that this feeling of being caught out would trigger them. Because I could see that it meant holding the other person accountable, and that's uncomfortable, because it means that I have to fully back myself and not doubt what I have just felt and expressed. And that it's perfectly okay for me to feel uncomfortable. It doesn't automatically mean that the other person is a bad person and I'm a good one, or vice versa. It just means that I am worth saying stop to a situation that feels imposing to me and is not honourable to myself.

And who is able to do that?

How many people – hand on heart – do you know in your surroundings who stand up for themselves without fuss, resentment or aggression?

And that's the point: when I understood that no one else can understand what I feel, and even if someone says they feel differently or meant something else, it's still true for me. And that needs to be honoured and taken seriously.

Because only then can you enter into dialogue; otherwise, there will always be one person attacking and one person defending or justifying themselves. And that is an endless vicious circle.

It also means that I have to expect people to suddenly dislike me when I suddenly say what is good for me and what is not good for me. Perhaps this reveals an arrangement that was never really a genuine friendship or relationship, but only an abusive partnership of convenience in which both parties accepted each other's emotional crippling.

What does this mean for the stage?

This scenario can be applied to all areas. For example, to how colleagues interact with each other during rehearsals. The fact that it is okay and important to set boundaries and express discomfort seems to be met with open ears due to all the movements that now exist, but my impression is that this is often only superficial. ‘As a real actor, you shouldn't have any hesitation, but be prepared to play anything.’ Of course, you don't want to be the one who ‘shies away’. It's one thing to deal with your personal issues in order to be an instrument for the part that you are playing, but it's another thing not to express what seems strange or difficult to you and instead swallow it. That's what working together is for, so that we can talk about it and grow in this interaction. That's what being a true society is for anyway. Why else should we work and live together if it's just about outdoing or outshining each other, playing each other's weaknesses off against each other?

There is often a harsh tone in the theatre, with many below-the-belt jokes being made. People tease each other and brush it off as ‘just fun!’ For me, fun comes from working together and mutual respect, not from boredom, which then leads to artificial and often mean behaviour at the expense of others.

This often happens when fatigue increases or dissatisfaction grows and people look for an outlet.

When I take myself seriously, others take me seriously too, and I in turn can take others seriously as well.